Nobody sums up my relationship with alcohol better than the great 20th Century philosopher Homer,
To Alcohol! The cause of, and solution to all of life’s problems.
Running in itself can be fun. It can be, but it usually isn’t. I say this as someone who loves running. I use it as therapy, social connection, anger management, a creative font, and somewhere down the list, to stay fit.
I look at other sports, and they are fun in themselves. I don’t need to add gimmicks to climbing, surfing, or mountain biking.
Running is full of gimmicks — costume races, relays, donut runs, color runs, naked runs, and, gaining popularity, the Beer Mile. I’ve done all of these, and I’ve done almost every type and distance of race out there, and I can honestly say that some of the most fun I’ve ever had running was during our small running group’s bi-annual beer mile.
The origins of the beer mile go back to 1989 when a group of Canadians was drinking after a run, as runners (and Canadians) often do, and came up with the idea to combine the two pastimes by running a mile on the track and drinking a beer before every lap. The beer mile has come a long way since 1989. There is a website that keeps track of and sanctions beer mile events around the world. There is also a live feed of the world beer mile championships. The top men run sub 5 minutes while the top women run just over 6 minutes.
The beer mile world record is 4:28.10.
I need to stop here and have us process this together. The world record is 4:28.10. The splits were 55.8, 60.4, 62.4, and 60.6. The as-important drinking splits were 6.6, 7.6, 7.2, and 7.1. The beer mile king’s name is Corey Bellmore, and he is predictably Canadian.
One of my traits that I’m not particularly proud of is that I’m jealous of people who are elite-level at more than one thing. Mookie Betts, for example, is not only one of the best baseball players in the world, but he is also an elite bowler. That’s not fair. The beer mile goes beyond this because you have to be great at two things simultaneously, and these two things actively work against each other. It’s not like drinking will make you a better runner or running will make you a better drinker.
No matter what you think of drinking, chugging four beers in 7 seconds each is impressive on its own. It would be like Mookie Betts bowling strikes with a baseball instead of a bowling ball.
I first heard of the beer mile about ten years ago, and I decided to organize one but make it trail running. We broke the rules (more on those later) by choosing to do an uphill beer mile. It was similar in concept to the track beer mile, but instead of a lap, we ran 200 meters up a steep dirt hill, then turned around and ran back down. It was a stupid, stupid idea, and luckily nobody got hurt, but I did get some good footage and this sweet video complete with 1980s-inspired 2013 graphics:
The official beer mile involves drinking a 12-ounce beer before every lap of the mile, including the first lap. The beer has to contain at least 5% alcohol, and if you puke, you have to run a penalty lap (minus the pre-lap beer). And I still can’t get over that 4:28. If that’s not peak athletic performance, I don’t know what is.
It’s not just the time, either; it’s what happens to your body and mind after 3 or 4 beers, hell, after one beer. That’s a lot of liquid to be carrying around in your stomach on that 4th lap. I’ve read books on Bannister, and I’m a huge fan, but honestly, I’m more impressed by the 4:30 beer mile threshold.
My time isn’t close to that. I couldn’t keep up with the world record holder if I was sober and tried to hang on for his last lap, but that doesn’t matter because it’s not about time for me. My goal isn’t to win the beer mile because that would mean pushing hard enough to puke, and I try to avoid puking.
What’s great about this race is that I’m terrible at it, and it’s still one of my favorite running events. I run with some fast people, and they are way more talented and fit than I am. Most of them crush me, both in running and drinking. I would finish in last place in a few of these group beer miles if it weren’t for the puking penalty lap rule. Luckily, I’ve been able to hold everything down, but just barely.
The beer mile isn’t about the beer or the running, at least not for me, and I suspect it’s the same for most of the people I run with. Don’t get me wrong, the running and the beer are vital parts of the experience, but the best part of the event is sitting around post-race and laughing with friends after doing something pointless and stupid. It’s taken me nearly fifty years to remember what we all knew as kids; doing stupid shit and laughing at each other is a good enough reason to do anything.
The post-race glow is not specific to the beer mile. If you’ve ever run a race, you know what I’m talking about. It’s this beautiful feeling of connectedness with friends who have shared the same struggles throughout the race. The struggles in the beer mile go beyond just running fast; they involve trying not to puke, trip, or stumble too much on the way to the finish.
Nobody wants to leave after finishing the beer mile. There is a lot of basking in the post-race glow and recounting who made it the whole way without puking. We have a trophy ceremony where the new beer mile winner hoists the plastic trophy adorned with dangling dog tags etched with the winning times over their head. We discuss doing the beer mile more often, but soberer heads prevail. Even the post-race euphoria requires some moderation to keep it genuine.
Some rules and tips to start your own beer mile
Find a good group. This shouldn’t be hard. Runners are a welcoming group, especially trail runners, and running and beer often go hand-in-hand.
Find a track, or make your own. For obvious reasons, most school tracks won’t accommodate a beer mile, so find a flat 400-meter section of road or trail. Mark it off, and measure it for accuracy.
Have a chugging zone. Ours has a table with taped squares to keep everyone’s beer organized.
Find a good 5% 12-ounce beer. I’m partial to Coors banquet but have tried Cali Creamin’ and a few others just above 5%. Not to get too much into strategery, but there is a technique of spinning the liquid in the bottle before you drink it that makes it come out faster.
Have a couple of sober people keeping time, keeping track of laps, and taking pictures. You will want those later.
Add a theme. We do one beer mile around St. Patrick’s Day and another around Halloween, so we dress up in costumes to add to the fun.
Be responsible. Don’t drive after this event. Actually, don’t plan anything important other than an afterparty and a long nap for the rest of the day. You won’t be able to get anything done, but you’ll nap with a smile and probably wake up with a headache that will remind you why you don’t want to do this more than once every six months.
The Delirious Drunken Fun of The Beer Mile
Well done Sr. You captured the spirit of the event adequately. The beer mile transcends simply running and drinking beer by forging rich comradery bonds and memories seen only in the most remote corners of human existence. This write up needs a picture of that winners trophy filled up with a cold one. 🤙🏆🍺
I really enjoyed this. While I have not experienced a beer mile, I have done some silly runs with groups, most recently an underwear 5K in freezing temps. This makes me miss some old running buddies and desire to cultivate new ones, to participate in a stupid silly extreme run again.
I'm also happy to read this before the inevitable and somewhat sanctimonious social media posts around December 31 about everyone doing a dry January and talking about how alcohol impairs athletic recovery, and then doing sponsored posts for NA beer. I've done a dry January twice, but I didn't tell everyone about it. Lighten up, people.
Your video made me look up one of my fave Mountain Outpost videos -- this one with '80s-inspired video game graphics and sound effects. Check it out, I'm still laughing! https://youtu.be/PDefPDVWDbw